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Guide to Being An 8 Foot Tall Reptilian Monster Boy Who May Or May Not Have a Debatably Understandable Predisposition to Violence Against Homosapiens/Eat A Ass, Humans:
by David Hobdy

So, first and foremost
Clothes are not gonna fit you
Pants are NOT going to fit right in the waist
And you're mom's gonna have to cut a hole for your tail

You also can't really do the whole cold thing
Keep a hoodie in your backpack
And sit by the window in all of your classes
Otherwise your blood will get too cold and you'll fucking die

Smile, even if you aren't happy
This makes them more comfortable
Don't show your teeth though.
The lion guy from the library got killed last week for smiling too wide
They thought he was baring his teeth
Maybe he should have been

Girls are going to lowkey be into the dorsal spines
But never enough to take you home to their parents
Guys will want to fight you because their girlfriends are into the dorsal spines
Neither of these things are helpful to entertain

People are gonna ask what you eat
Replying "people and small mammals"
Is only funny like 2 or 3 times
And even then they only laugh nervously

They're gonna ask if you can shoot lasers
Because they saw it in a movie
Do NOT tell them it's an exaggeration

They are going to want to touch your scales
Do NOT let them touch your fucking scales

They are going to want to call you "my lizard"
Do NOT let them call you "my lizard"

Do NOT talk about how you are related to the turtle monster from last summer
The one who knocked over the statue of Mark Wahlberg in the park
And accidentally killed a kid

Do NOT talk about how fucked up it was that he said sorry
And over
And over

And the coast guard still turned his face inside out with a tank

Humans are insufferably stupid
They will stop at nothing to prove this
You will have the urge
To crush their skulls between your 6 rows of teeth
Just to have some peace and quiet

All in all, being a monster is going to suck
You're gonna ruin toothbrushes
Your dad is gonna have to pick you up from school a lot during molting season
Your talons are gonna fuck up the gym floor

People are going to want you to feel bad about what you are
But like
They're just jealous of you

Because you're 8 fucking feet tall
And you have a mace at the end of your tail
And Milly Johnson said yes when you asked her to the dance
and you can eat more corn dogs than Jared from 4t h period

at the end of the day
You’re still an 8 foot tall reptile boy
with 6 rows of teeth
and 2 sets of eyelids
and if you’re lucky you’ll get fire breath from mom’s side of the family

and I think that’s kind of fucking awesome

I am

I am the baby that the slave mother slung by the ankles against the trunk of a pine
To save me from bondage

I am the slave that jumped from the bow of those fat bellied beasts that bobbed lazily across the Atlantic

I am the man that hangs from the sycamore
swinging silently in the moonlight

I am the son of a black girl, picked as if she were a ripe plum
And consumed by a white beast, gorging himself on that which was never his

I am the corpses lying in the basement of Tuskegee
Stinking sweetly of “bad blood”

I am the thug lying in the street
Full of holes and lead that was meant for me from the beginning

The dust of my bones paves the roads
Makes up the bricks of your homes and buildings

And yet you speak of me as if i have wronged you
Fear me like I am the real criminal here.

Of course, given the way that the pendulum of vengeance swings
Maybe you should be very


David Hobdy is a cryptid reported to have been seen migrating throughout the Southeastern part of America, performing music and creating art wherever he sees or feels it fit to be. His musings, music, writing and all sorts of other endeavors can be found at @killmowgli.