my body isn’t built for motherhood
by mattie

i think of my body sometimes as the field that the church is deciding whether to use as a graveyard or a playground, or maybe one then the other in sixty years, when all the people who knew those buried there have died themselves, or when the people who played on that playground are dying themselves.

i think of this body, this eggless body, this uterus-less body, as a body that was born barren and sold motherhood, but then had it ripped from me twice — first, by my lack of a period, second, by time and the realizations that come with it, or maybe those two are timereversed too, i don’t know.

now, though, i know that my body is remaking itself. i am making love both to and with myself, i am selfimpregnating, i am nurturing myself, i am taking my natal vitamins, i am laboring, i am birthing myself, i am emerging from myself covered in my own blood. this body, and the one before it, and all the ones yet to come are my own.

Mattie (she/they) MATTIE is a student and justice worker. she's building trans family and queer care in the deep south. they're finding new ways to get as free as they can. you can find her tweeting about god, love, gender, and diet coke on twitter @ohwowyikes